Forgiving My Father
I forgive my father for his emotional unavailability and reconnect with self-compassion and security
In his book “The Forgiving Self,” Robert Karen gives a great explanation for how secure attachment in children is developed. It comes from a healthy cycle of fight and repair between children and their parents. Children start out with the idea that their parents are perfect, then they begin to realize that their parents are imperfect beings who care for them immensely and at the same time cause them much irritation and pain. The child begins to bring love and hate together. There is an imperfect parent who can lose her temper, who can make a lousy meal, who can talk too long on the phone and yet remain a good and loved person.
In addition to love and concern, children are able to feel a range of negative feelings toward their parents, including fury and hatred, but all within an envelope of love. The child thinks, “I’m hurt precisely because I love you and because I need you to love me. I’m angry because I love you. I criticize you because I love you. I hate you because I love you. I want you to be different because I love you.” It is the parent who keeps demonstrating and re-establishing that the children live in a country of love, that in this country all feelings are allowed, even hateful feelings, that the children…
